Monday, July 26, 2010

Going Back To Work

I've been thinking a lot about the future recently. As you may have seen in my last post, I am going back to school--probably "for reals" this time. And as I consider that somewhere down the road, I will very likely be taking on a real job, with real pay and real benefits, I panic. I don't panic because I don't like the thought of these things. I panic because I do. I worry that I am going into this for the wrong reasons--security, stability, knowing I have something to fall back on. Are these the right reasons to get into something?

But here's the thing: Greg has already had cancer once. He is 11 years older than me. We have two kids. If he died (I know it's a ridiculously morbid thought, but it's one we have to address), what would I do? Move back in with my parents?

And this house--this house is tiiiny. It feels so cramped to me sometimes I feel like the incredible hulk, and somehow, if I get too mad or something, the house will explode around me, and I will be standing there on our foundation with no walls. We've decided we are either going to add onto this one, or buy a new one. But that's not feasible right now... we need more money in order to do that. We are 100 grand upside-down on the house the way it is right now.

And I feel sorry for our kids. They are here at home all day with their bored and cranky mother--how stagnant I feel being here all day. I am realizing the whole super-mom label doesn't fit quite right (even though it feels like that's what I should expect from myself, since I am only a mom right now). How I get antsy and angsty, and how ungrateful I feel all the time. I feel like a fairy-tale princess pining away in her castle, waiting for life to happen. I am realizing this *is* life and there is nothing to be done but to do something about it. I wish I could be content with talking about the kids 24-7 with other mothers--bad mouthing my husband and renovating and moving furniture around and sanitizing. Honestly, as much as I have hated studying for the GRE, I find it preferable to "home-making". And as much as it sounds like I have scorn for women who choose to stay home with their kids, I actually find them amazing. I wonder how they do it with enjoyment.

So, ultimately, I come to the conclusion that my motives are right... that my working is the lesser of two evils--that I would rather be tired from work and happy to come home than tired of home and want to go back to work.


Scott and Bekah Ruth said...

Thanks for your honesty...some good thoughts that I think all us moms have from time to time. I'll be interested to hear what happens in life for you, dearie! Wish I was better about staying up on your blog, but when I pop back on in say 4-6 months (?) :-) again, I'll probably be reading a post about how much you love grad school and your job...

colleen said...

You're speaking my language lady. I've been a SAHM for 10 years now. Oh, I've broke out of my cell a few times and got some school or a sanity saving part time job. I got my Cosmetology certs thinking I was going to "get a career" and then the twins came along and blew my "baby is in kindergarten" party away.

You sound real. I know a lot of moms who feel the same way. Whoever can stay at home 24/7 and clean.... they are saints. I am not one!

I hope you find fulfillment and peace that you will share many many moments with your partner. God has blessed you with a wonderful family, enjoy every second you are blessed with! *hugs*

pro said...

Nice blog! I like your writing way. I'm doing practice GRE here: . I hope it's useful for GRE test takers.