I've been thinking a lot about the future recently. As you may have seen in my last post, I am going back to school--probably "for reals" this time. And as I consider that somewhere down the road, I will very likely be taking on a real job, with real pay and real benefits, I panic. I don't panic because I don't like the thought of these things. I panic because I do. I worry that I am going into this for the wrong reasons--security, stability, knowing I have something to fall back on. Are these the right reasons to get into something?
But here's the thing: Greg has already had cancer once. He is 11 years older than me. We have two kids. If he died (I know it's a ridiculously morbid thought, but it's one we have to address), what would I do? Move back in with my parents?
And this house--this house is tiiiny. It feels so cramped to me sometimes I feel like the incredible hulk, and somehow, if I get too mad or something, the house will explode around me, and I will be standing there on our foundation with no walls. We've decided we are either going to add onto this one, or buy a new one. But that's not feasible right now... we need more money in order to do that. We are 100 grand upside-down on the house the way it is right now.
And I feel sorry for our kids. They are here at home all day with their bored and cranky mother--how stagnant I feel being here all day. I am realizing the whole super-mom label doesn't fit quite right (even though it feels like that's what I should expect from myself, since I am only a mom right now). How I get antsy and angsty, and how ungrateful I feel all the time. I feel like a fairy-tale princess pining away in her castle, waiting for life to happen. I am realizing this *is* life and there is nothing to be done but to do something about it. I wish I could be content with talking about the kids 24-7 with other mothers--bad mouthing my husband and renovating and moving furniture around and sanitizing. Honestly, as much as I have hated studying for the GRE, I find it preferable to "home-making". And as much as it sounds like I have scorn for women who choose to stay home with their kids, I actually find them amazing. I wonder how they do it with enjoyment.
So, ultimately, I come to the conclusion that my motives are right... that my working is the lesser of two evils--that I would rather be tired from work and happy to come home than tired of home and want to go back to work.