I am a chronic worrier. My life has been based on worry and fear for, well, just about 6 years now. I've been married 7 years this August. Which basically means that the vast majority of my married life has been spent creating more wrinkles in my forehead than most people my age. I would also say I am 70% gray-haired at this point (thank God for hair dye).
But recently, I've been realizing something that should be super obvious, and probably is to most people.
Worrying really gets me nowhere.
I have spent countless hours freaking out over smallish things--money, Greg's job, my future career, how Sam will do in school, the car breaking down... you get the idea.
All of these worries are very practical, which makes them feel sane. But worry isn't sane. It makes you feel worse inside than you feel when you are sick, and it can actually *make* you sick in that stress can lower your resistance to illness and cause problems with digestion, and it ages people.
I have also been really snippy and irritable with my family, which makes our home life rather miserable. Greg comes home from a stressed out day at work to a stressed out wife. That does not help him any more than it helps me.
So, I've been intentionally trying *not* to worry for about 3 days now. I have been trying to take a 'que sera' approach toward all my fears. God is going to do what God is going to do. Worst case senario? Greg loses his job, we lose our home, our kids are put in foster care, we move to the street and die of starvation. I mean, if we're talking about taking it to the ultimate extreme--but I really doubt that's going to happen, because we have people surrounding us who love us and will help us through whatever happens. But even if that *were* to happen, we would be in heaven.
The worst thing that ever happened to our family was Greg getting cancer. It was not something expected, and it was not something that could be helped (other than treating it once we knew it was there). God got us through it, though, and if we can get through that, I think we can get through just about anything.
We are still praying for all the other stuff still...
Monday, April 26, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Helping Haiti
I read a report recently about how unqualified people were messing up rescue efforts in Haiti.
This makes me sooooo angry and defensive for those who went and didn't make the cut of being worthy of being there. Can you imagine how you would feel, spending thousands of dollars to fly to Haiti to physically be there and help out (because who knows where the money you sent really went), only to be told to go back home because you aren't good enough?
Dude, rescue workers. Just give the well-meaning helpers a job to do. Hand them a shovel or something. It's not that difficult. Or are they just interrupting your own amazingness?
The article said something about how everyone wants to be a hero, and it just doesn't work that way. Oh, so you are saying you are definitely heroes, but anybody who doesn't have a 4-day training to work for red cross is inferior? To me that just screamed of arrogance and self-superiority. I am fuming. Really.
This makes me sooooo angry and defensive for those who went and didn't make the cut of being worthy of being there. Can you imagine how you would feel, spending thousands of dollars to fly to Haiti to physically be there and help out (because who knows where the money you sent really went), only to be told to go back home because you aren't good enough?
Dude, rescue workers. Just give the well-meaning helpers a job to do. Hand them a shovel or something. It's not that difficult. Or are they just interrupting your own amazingness?
The article said something about how everyone wants to be a hero, and it just doesn't work that way. Oh, so you are saying you are definitely heroes, but anybody who doesn't have a 4-day training to work for red cross is inferior? To me that just screamed of arrogance and self-superiority. I am fuming. Really.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Honest Scrap?
Thanks, Rachel for the nomination. I feel so special. Are there seven people who read this blog? If so, I nominate all of you to do this as well. I guess I'm supposed to write 10 interesting things about myself and my nominees (you) are supposed to do the same.
So here goes:
1. I have a weird thing for candy. And I don't mean just adult-oriented candy (although Godiva chocolate is the bees knees). I am really a huge fan of immature, childish candies. Zots, everlasting gobstoppers, candies shaped like brains--you name it, I probably like it. I am pretty obsessed with mall-based sweet factory stores and would rather go candy shopping than clothes shopping any day (and it has been like this as long as I can remember). The counter employees are always a little taken aback when I gleefully hand them my bagfull of confectionary novelties and debit card. I guess they must be used to seven-year-olds with their allowances. Greg is suprisingly supportive of this little obsession of mine, and often participates as well.
2. I grew up a country girl and really hate country music with a passion. Most people in my town were huge fans, but I just could not bring myself to enjoy it.
3. I was 16 when I had my first kiss and was a virgin when I married Greg.
4. Confession. I love my Kindle. Okay. You can quit booing now. Seriously. This thing is the bomb. When I finished college as an English major, I was sick of books. I mean, I-didn't-want-to-read-another-book-again-in-my-life sick. But when my parents bought me this Kindle for my birthday last year, I was able to fall back in love with reading again. It's transportable, it's fun, you can clip a booklight on it without having to re-adjust pages later, your hands don't get tired of holding it open because you don't have to hold it open, and the books are cheap if not free. I know owning a Kindle (or any other e-reader) is the cardinal sin of the *true* book lover, but if I'm not a book lover, I'm an e-book lover. (I do miss the smell of new books sometimes though).
5. I like the thought of collecting, but can't decide on what to collect. I like rocks, I like unicorns, I like fairies, I used to like cows (though this is getting old)... I think I'd go with unicorns and fairies if I had an extra room to fill, but I don't and I can't.
6. Southern California reminds me of my Grandpa Campbell (mom's dad) who lived here, and I think that is the biggest reason I love it so much. Good memories, good associations.
7. I abhor the smell of baby powder and feel like gagging every time we have to walk down the baby isle at the grocery store.
8. I have lost 14.5 pounds since March 1st, 2010. Sweet, huh? I'm on a roll!
9. We sort of named our son Sam after Samwise in The Lord of the Rings (Samwise means half-wit in Old English, so we chose Samuel for him instead, which means heard of God). And we named Aunica after the borg character, Seven of Nine's real name from Star Trek Voyager (you'd get it if you'd seen it).
10. I insanely love my husband's artwork. He has a gift and I wish he had more time to draw.
So here goes:
1. I have a weird thing for candy. And I don't mean just adult-oriented candy (although Godiva chocolate is the bees knees). I am really a huge fan of immature, childish candies. Zots, everlasting gobstoppers, candies shaped like brains--you name it, I probably like it. I am pretty obsessed with mall-based sweet factory stores and would rather go candy shopping than clothes shopping any day (and it has been like this as long as I can remember). The counter employees are always a little taken aback when I gleefully hand them my bagfull of confectionary novelties and debit card. I guess they must be used to seven-year-olds with their allowances. Greg is suprisingly supportive of this little obsession of mine, and often participates as well.
2. I grew up a country girl and really hate country music with a passion. Most people in my town were huge fans, but I just could not bring myself to enjoy it.
3. I was 16 when I had my first kiss and was a virgin when I married Greg.
4. Confession. I love my Kindle. Okay. You can quit booing now. Seriously. This thing is the bomb. When I finished college as an English major, I was sick of books. I mean, I-didn't-want-to-read-another-book-again-in-my-life sick. But when my parents bought me this Kindle for my birthday last year, I was able to fall back in love with reading again. It's transportable, it's fun, you can clip a booklight on it without having to re-adjust pages later, your hands don't get tired of holding it open because you don't have to hold it open, and the books are cheap if not free. I know owning a Kindle (or any other e-reader) is the cardinal sin of the *true* book lover, but if I'm not a book lover, I'm an e-book lover. (I do miss the smell of new books sometimes though).
5. I like the thought of collecting, but can't decide on what to collect. I like rocks, I like unicorns, I like fairies, I used to like cows (though this is getting old)... I think I'd go with unicorns and fairies if I had an extra room to fill, but I don't and I can't.
6. Southern California reminds me of my Grandpa Campbell (mom's dad) who lived here, and I think that is the biggest reason I love it so much. Good memories, good associations.
7. I abhor the smell of baby powder and feel like gagging every time we have to walk down the baby isle at the grocery store.
8. I have lost 14.5 pounds since March 1st, 2010. Sweet, huh? I'm on a roll!
9. We sort of named our son Sam after Samwise in The Lord of the Rings (Samwise means half-wit in Old English, so we chose Samuel for him instead, which means heard of God). And we named Aunica after the borg character, Seven of Nine's real name from Star Trek Voyager (you'd get it if you'd seen it).
10. I insanely love my husband's artwork. He has a gift and I wish he had more time to draw.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Letter To Dad In Belize
My dad and mom are in Belize at the moment. They have been there for about a week. They left last Sunday night. This is the first year my mom has gone. My dad has been doing this for about 5 years now. And every year I worry. I worry he's going to get Oregon Trail Style Dysentery, Malaria, or the very worst possible thing you can acquire in central America (in my opinion): a Bot Fly .
Prayer is a good thing because my parents were in a pretty bad accident on the way and were miraculously un-harmed. It was raining and as a result, hydroplaned, hit the center divider and bounced across four lanes of freeway near San Francisco. They were not hit by any cars and were basically just sore afterward. They are either real troopers, or kind of insane because they still went to Belize anyway. It does sound like they have been doing fine, though my dad does tend to play down drama a lot. I haven't heard from my mom. I'll let you know how they are doing after they get home.
Anyway--after hearing about all of this, I got really upset for a few days. What if they *hadn't* been fine. Everything has been fine up until now. Honestly--my childhood was kind of a breeze. There are always issues in *any* family, and we have definitely had our fair share. But I wasn't ever beaten, I never dealt with a drunken parent. I was never molested. I don't mean to discount the problems we did have, and I am not pretending there were none. But they were relatively small compared to what some kids go through. And my parents are my parents no matter what our problems were, and I would love them no matter what--as much as I know they would me.
So, after the accident, and I finally got an email from my dad, I got all teary and missed my mom and dad like crazy. And more than that, I missed being a kid again--being taken care of. I missed my mom's cool hand on my forehead when I was sick. I missed being taken to the pool. I missed my allowance. I missed being told I needed to be home by a certain time. I missed having others being responsible for me. All the responsibility of being an adult/wife/parent is heavy duty stuff and it would be nice to have some occassional, I don't know.. lightness once in a while--to have someone be in charge of me because sometimes I feel like I don't really know how to be in charge of myself yet (let alone two little people of my own). But I am doing my best at what I am doing now. And we are going to visit Mom and Dad in June--a trip I am crazily looking forward to.
Anyway.. here's an excerpt from an email I wrote to my Dad in Belize:
Hi guys!
It's a positively BEAUTIFUL day. I mean it's a 72-degrees-smelling-of-fresh-cut-grass-and-golden-sunshine-through-new-leaves-making-everything-sparkly kind of beautiful. Which makes me miss being little and getting popsicle sticky and aquiring sunburns at the Alturas pool and riding horses at Josanna's house and the worst problem in my life being not knowing what to do and being bored and having to practice piano. You guys made childhood easy and fun--and I kind of miss that these days.
So I am super excited to get back to Alturas and re-experience my childhood again in June. I am excited to sit out on the sidewalk and spit cherries with Karlie. And maybe I can help Dad garden a lil' and maybe Mom and I can take walks. Homemade popsicles must be a part of it too. Oh, and barbeques. We are hoping to take Sam to the caves--we think he's really going to like them. We are also going to have to test out tent camping in the front yard for a night and see if the kids are up to it yet.
Things we've done today:
-Our lilac tree is in full bloom. I didn't even know we had a lilac tree when we bought the house so it was a happy surprise when they started popping out the next spring.
I cut a sprig and put it in a vase inside. Not quite fragrant enough to cover up the smell of kids/cat/dog, but almost.
-We went out to La Mirada last night for what will probably be the last time. We'll really have no reason to go out there anymore without Paul and Kristin living there. They are probably going to be out here on the 27th of this month--moving in. So we said goodbye to the house and went to the Swap Meet. Found some killer nail polish and a mood ring (yeah--like I said--I miss my childhood).
-Greg still doesn't know anything about his job, but is still feeling pretty hopeful.
-I've lost 13 pounds since starting my diet on March 1st. Not bad, eh? Maybe I'll be all skinny when we get there!
-I am turning 29 this year. TWENTY-NINE! Is that insane? I am freaking out. But worse--Greg is going to be FORTY! We haven't decided what we're going to do--maybe have a party in the back yard with twinkle lights and champagne. I've always wanted to have a party like that. I think a 40th birthday would be a good excuse.. don't you?
-Well--I have to go take care of the kids. Sam has been running around in the sprinklers and Aunica just joined him. Better go make sure they're not dying of hypothermia.
I love you guys. Glad you are having a good time, but I am definitely looking forward to you being back home--SAFE. And yes--Dad, I totally think it's time for your miata.
Love you so much
XOXOXO,
Crystal
Prayer is a good thing because my parents were in a pretty bad accident on the way and were miraculously un-harmed. It was raining and as a result, hydroplaned, hit the center divider and bounced across four lanes of freeway near San Francisco. They were not hit by any cars and were basically just sore afterward. They are either real troopers, or kind of insane because they still went to Belize anyway. It does sound like they have been doing fine, though my dad does tend to play down drama a lot. I haven't heard from my mom. I'll let you know how they are doing after they get home.
Anyway--after hearing about all of this, I got really upset for a few days. What if they *hadn't* been fine. Everything has been fine up until now. Honestly--my childhood was kind of a breeze. There are always issues in *any* family, and we have definitely had our fair share. But I wasn't ever beaten, I never dealt with a drunken parent. I was never molested. I don't mean to discount the problems we did have, and I am not pretending there were none. But they were relatively small compared to what some kids go through. And my parents are my parents no matter what our problems were, and I would love them no matter what--as much as I know they would me.
So, after the accident, and I finally got an email from my dad, I got all teary and missed my mom and dad like crazy. And more than that, I missed being a kid again--being taken care of. I missed my mom's cool hand on my forehead when I was sick. I missed being taken to the pool. I missed my allowance. I missed being told I needed to be home by a certain time. I missed having others being responsible for me. All the responsibility of being an adult/wife/parent is heavy duty stuff and it would be nice to have some occassional, I don't know.. lightness once in a while--to have someone be in charge of me because sometimes I feel like I don't really know how to be in charge of myself yet (let alone two little people of my own). But I am doing my best at what I am doing now. And we are going to visit Mom and Dad in June--a trip I am crazily looking forward to.
Anyway.. here's an excerpt from an email I wrote to my Dad in Belize:
Hi guys!
It's a positively BEAUTIFUL day. I mean it's a 72-degrees-smelling-of-fresh-cut-grass-and-golden-sunshine-through-new-leaves-making-everything-sparkly kind of beautiful. Which makes me miss being little and getting popsicle sticky and aquiring sunburns at the Alturas pool and riding horses at Josanna's house and the worst problem in my life being not knowing what to do and being bored and having to practice piano. You guys made childhood easy and fun--and I kind of miss that these days.
So I am super excited to get back to Alturas and re-experience my childhood again in June. I am excited to sit out on the sidewalk and spit cherries with Karlie. And maybe I can help Dad garden a lil' and maybe Mom and I can take walks. Homemade popsicles must be a part of it too. Oh, and barbeques. We are hoping to take Sam to the caves--we think he's really going to like them. We are also going to have to test out tent camping in the front yard for a night and see if the kids are up to it yet.
Things we've done today:
-Our lilac tree is in full bloom. I didn't even know we had a lilac tree when we bought the house so it was a happy surprise when they started popping out the next spring.
I cut a sprig and put it in a vase inside. Not quite fragrant enough to cover up the smell of kids/cat/dog, but almost.
-We went out to La Mirada last night for what will probably be the last time. We'll really have no reason to go out there anymore without Paul and Kristin living there. They are probably going to be out here on the 27th of this month--moving in. So we said goodbye to the house and went to the Swap Meet. Found some killer nail polish and a mood ring (yeah--like I said--I miss my childhood).
-Greg still doesn't know anything about his job, but is still feeling pretty hopeful.
-I've lost 13 pounds since starting my diet on March 1st. Not bad, eh? Maybe I'll be all skinny when we get there!
-I am turning 29 this year. TWENTY-NINE! Is that insane? I am freaking out. But worse--Greg is going to be FORTY! We haven't decided what we're going to do--maybe have a party in the back yard with twinkle lights and champagne. I've always wanted to have a party like that. I think a 40th birthday would be a good excuse.. don't you?
-Well--I have to go take care of the kids. Sam has been running around in the sprinklers and Aunica just joined him. Better go make sure they're not dying of hypothermia.
I love you guys. Glad you are having a good time, but I am definitely looking forward to you being back home--SAFE. And yes--Dad, I totally think it's time for your miata.
Love you so much
XOXOXO,
Crystal
Because Rachel Is Tired of Me Not Blogging
So I am bad at being a regular blogger. I guess it's possibly because only one or two people ever comment on the occassional emotional barfing that lands here. I have three followers (as far as I can tell) And I am narcissistic enough to care.
There is another reason I don't blog very often, and that is I often say things that get me in trouble. I seem to have this subconcious urge to make political/church-related/relationship-related commentary and I end up wishing I hadn't said what I said. I *do* tend to care what other people think, and snarky comments make me sad. Like, curl-up-in-a-ball-and-cry-to-Greg-sad. And then Greg will say things like, "Well, just don't post anything controversial". And then I agree, but then I feel like I'm not... contributing anything worthwhile.
So, faithful followers. Should I just suck it up and post what I am thinking, no matter what and suffer the consequences (maybe not having everyone like me?)? Or should I just post less-frequent, meek, quiet-like blogs that aren't controversial? Or should I just not blog at all?
To follow will be a not-so-controversial post: a letter I wrote to my dad who is in Belize.
There is another reason I don't blog very often, and that is I often say things that get me in trouble. I seem to have this subconcious urge to make political/church-related/relationship-related commentary and I end up wishing I hadn't said what I said. I *do* tend to care what other people think, and snarky comments make me sad. Like, curl-up-in-a-ball-and-cry-to-Greg-sad. And then Greg will say things like, "Well, just don't post anything controversial". And then I agree, but then I feel like I'm not... contributing anything worthwhile.
So, faithful followers. Should I just suck it up and post what I am thinking, no matter what and suffer the consequences (maybe not having everyone like me?)? Or should I just post less-frequent, meek, quiet-like blogs that aren't controversial? Or should I just not blog at all?
To follow will be a not-so-controversial post: a letter I wrote to my dad who is in Belize.
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