Sunday, May 16, 2010

Symbols of AnxietyTransformed To Symbols of Hope

It's funny how certain mundane, seamingly meaningless, things take on a lot of importance depending on the situation you are in.

I've been staring at this ID card for Aunica's Medical Insurance every day. Since Greg got his preliminary layoff, that ID card has come to mean "May 30th"--the day that our insurance would expire if Greg got that final layoff notice.

Greg's ties, hanging on the coat hanger in the living room have meant days spent not knowing whether he would need a tie in upcoming months.

The calendar on the fridge has meant a constant countdown to the day when we might be without work.

The checkbook and debit card have meant money disappearing and maybe stopping coming.

Oh, and the gas price signs? Don't even get me started on those.

You begin to realize that it's not that you are worried about the *stuff* you have. It's worries about maintaining life as you know it. It's about uprooting once again. It's about having to wonder if you are going to have to move in with your parents or in-laws. It's about having to figure out if you can pay for insurance, mortgage, and bills on a substitute teacher's salary alone. It's about those practical things that you always take for granted.

God is definitely not letting us take anything for granted. Ever. And I am actually thankful for that. Because when we lived in Whittier, I was miserable. I couldn't pin it down to anything at the time, but now I think I just had it too, uh, cushy? Life was just too easy. It never felt anything but.. mundane. Since 2004, we have had nothing but upheaval, but if nothing else, you can say it has kept life interesting.

It's nice to worry sometimes.

So yesterday, we were supposed to get Greg's layoff notice. We didn't. We still could get it tomorrow, but I am hopeful that it won't come. And Greg is too. And we are all dancy and excited because we get to stay in our house and we get to relax just a little more.

And slowly, the insurance card is beginning to mean we will have insurance for one more year. And the bank accounts are not going to tap out. And we are going to be able to buy gas. And there will be another calendar on the fridge.

It's good to have a little of both hope and fear. I'm glad life isn't too easy. Things are more interesting and I am more grateful this way.

(But that doesn't mean I really want another layoff notice next year)

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